Stillness.

What better time to practice stillness than after a break up? My (ex) boyfriend and I just broke up after a 4.5 hour conversation. Literately just broke up. It was a 6 month relationship but we are both at an age where we feel that we should know by now. I guess you know what the answer was.

He mentioned that he didn’t feel loved enough. Did I not love him enough? There is certainly a void we both feel. But also this deep love for each other. A contradiction we both feel. Last night I completed Andre Agassi’s memoir. He mentions contradictions. That he is a living contradiction. He hates tennis yet he realized later that he loves it. He dropped out of school in 9th grade, yet he invests in Charter schools. He mentions “life is a tennis match between polar opposites. Winning and losing, love and hate, open and closed.”

Honestly, I tried my best. But that is the constant theme of my life. I can earnestly say I do try hard. Yet, I seldom win.

My schedule last year was way too busy. I said to myself that I will be still this year. There were too many tasks, not enough sleep, too many text messages, emails, Slack messgs, twitters, maybe not Instagram. Instagram is a growing pain. Every time I log on I feel that I am wasting my time. The feed is a constant reminder about how much attention people need.

We cannot stand still. I want stillness. I want to breath. I worry that I will be bored but I want to take the time and see if this boredom comes. I thought about calling him right back right after we broke up but what better time to attempt stillness than now.

Yesterday, I was listening to a podcasts about design thinking and they said to Fail often and Fail early. This way you can figure out your multiple passions, your multiple selves. We are not just one person nor one career.

I guess I am doing the right thing.

Off to write Stanford’s essay! Due in 2 days!

Aaliyah – Try again – YouTube

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