Here I am.

I recently found out about Susan J. Fowler’s story on working at Uber. PLEASE READ IT.

I love that she is shaking things up and she is a hero for that. After learning about her, I became intrigued by her multiple layers of being: Physicist, computer science engineer, blogger, reader, writer. She embodies what I want to be: a highly functional, woman who takes time to dive into her interests and succeeds in doing so. No I do not want to be just like her, I have my own interests. But being a women from a low income, immigrant neigborhood, I do not know many women like this and I am happy to find like-minded women when I do.

Well, I just had my interview with Cornell Johnson and now I am working on my Corporate Finance homework then will get ready for my Wharton TBD interview. I am currently in Ithaca, New York. It’s cold. I am from Los Angeles, my body is struck by this frigid weather. Off to Phili tomorrow morning. Wish me all the luck!! TTYL.

The long-awaited trip.

Are my fears valid, no. I am scared of being judge and I am scared that I will stumble. But I am articulate and capable.

I will speak with my passion and truth.

I will  listen to them, seek to connect, seek to learn about them.

My eyes are puffy and I exude stressful energy said Natalie as she was doing my hair this evening.

This is grit. This is life and this is my human experience. This feels glorious and I feel so honored.

DC to Ithaca to Phillie, here I come!

Whoo.

Whirlwind is right. I wrote that on my Cornell essay.

This past weekend I received two interview invitations, one for Georgetown and one for Cornell. All for Business School in case you are wondering or have not read the beginning of this blog. So far I have had to coordinate flights from LAX to DC, actually I am arriving to Baltimore then I have to take a train to DC and luckily my lovely newly single and devastated girlfriend is letting me stay with her. Then I think about how to travel from DC to upstate New York for my Cornell interview. I decided on Amtrak given the expensive flight prices!  I will arrive in Syracuse, then how do I get to Ithaca? Rent a car? There is also a cheap bus. But then where am I staying and how do I get there after the bus drops me off in Ithaca? I arrive to upstate on Saturday night, I have Sunday night to rest and get ready for a 4 pm interview on Monday. Then I have a fly back to LAX at 7:42 pm. Lets hope I make my flight. Hopefully I can change my interview to a little earlier time that Monday. Let’s see if possible because then I will be stranded in Ithaca. If I make it back I will be home around 2 am. Ready for another day in the office.

Gotta go, studying for my Finance test due tomorrow. Am I already in Business School?

Ms. Woolf

I recently started reading A Room of One’s own by Virginia Woolf. What struck me was that she believes women need not worry about money or any life stresses in order to become a poet. She’s clearly an elitist. By this year 2017, I believe we have proven Ms. Woolf wrong, however, she may still disagree. I bet there are some people who still hold this to be true.

And because of Ms. Woolf, I am now more eager to keep writing. I started writing multiple entries but never published. I now realize the insecurity that writers may feel. However, I now have the gravitas to write whatever is on my mind. That brings me to the topic of reinvention. I am constantly reinventing myself. I have been many things in the past and now I am dedicating myself to master Finance, be a writer even if it’s only for myself and I want to go back to public speaking. I used to be in Toastmasters and I became good at speaking but now that I do not have to speak in public for work, I am not as good as I used to be. Which makes me realize that I need a job where I practice this on the job, not during an extra curricular activity.

But reinventing also means going back to basics for me. One, going back to the beginning of my career and analyzing what I should have done differently. Honestly, I think I played it out well, maybe I should’ve said no to more people and dedicated more time on honing my skills, I think that I would have done things quicker if I had so. So recently, now that I am newly single, I got asked out by 3 man. I didn’t announce it to the world that I was single (obviously on this blog yes but nobody knows about it) but clearly their intuition led them to believe it. At first, I fell bad saying no, because these people have been friends for a while. But then I thought: who cares! and I said no. Now, my schedule is free.

Basics also means, emptying out my house. I have kept it relatively empty since I first moved in three years ago. Basics, also means eating basic and keeping my meals simple, eggs, fish, sweet potatoes and one green leaf veggie at a time. This is a hard one for me because I also want the red veggies: carrots, beets, tomatoes but I want to do so much in so little time that automating my life needs to happen and that may mean automating my every day meals. I think for breakfast I may keep it to goat protein and oatmeal.

Basics also means, no relationships for 6 months, it’s an experiment if you will. Those things require too much effort. And lastly, basics also means yoga and body weights: squats, push ups, planks. My body does not ache if i do these activities regularly.

My goal for this week is to apply to Columbia Business School, apply to a lead, manager or director job, pay off debt, maybe refinance and be the number one employee for my team. That is all for now!

Budding Friendships and Romances.

It’s 11 pm on Friday night. I just arrived home from dinner with an amazing man. We went to Simbal in Little Tokyo. It’s been about a week since I submitted my applications to business school and had a break up. My friends convinced me to apply to MIT Sloan and so I am going to by this Sunday.

Emotions have been off the charts, I have felt so low. The breakup was hard and I had to cry a lot. I was mad at myself. I punched my bed. I’ve never been one to punch anything. I had dreams of him. But I have also never felt as happy and whole in my life.

I have continued my moment of stillness this year and am still off the grid. It’s been pure reflection.

So this man I just had dinner with is fascinating, he has a story. I believe that I can understand his suffering and pain because I have felt his deep, gut wrenching pain myself. Anyway, this dinner was totally unexpected. My original Friday evening plans fell through. They were to be dinner with a restaurant owner who donated to one of the fundraisers I led last year. He is such a cool guy. So this man (J) asked what I was doing this weekend and I listed my plans and told him that my dinner plans had just been cancelled for the evening and he said let me take you out to dinner. I was surprised. I said yes! Atomic living yo, look it up.

J used to be a journalist in his country of origin. He is a poet, I am the quant. He said that what makes a good writer is a critical mind and a heart. Emotion, sensitivity. I told him that I started to write entries and he asked to read them. I said no.

J, makes me feel so comfortable. He is also damn good looking, sexy and dresses well. I like J. I didn’t know I liked him. With him I felt that I was in the company of someone who understood the real me. I think it’s really important for me to be with someone whose understanding derives from personal real experiences than from simply a feeling of empathy. I may be wrong on this but so far, the data I’ve gathered from my personal love life indicates this is true for me.

J said that he loved that I was so feminine and the way I dressed. He said that I was special. He told the waitress “I really like this girl.” It was such a fun dinner. Our cultural backgrounds are so different. He is Middle Eastern and I am Latin. But I can tell that he is very open minded. He tried octopus with me for the first time. The guy is dope.

All this is to say that, that feeling of frustration that I constantly had when I was with my ex was my internal alarm telling me to remove myself from him. J’s company feels very comforting. I remember my first dinner with my Ex. I wasn’t impressed. I was annoyed at some of the things he had said.

Mike, a friend of my good friend K told me: “good for you for owning your space” when I told him that I didn’t feel adored by my Ex and I knew I deserved to be. K lives in New York for now and is an angel. She constantly calls me to tell me that she loves me so much. I aspire to be as expressive and lovable as K. She radiates real love and kindness and is full of compliments for whomever she meets. That woman is true to herself.

Gotta go to sleep. I am going to wake up early and get started on my MIT application and then go to a workout class with a girl from work. She’s really cool too and I am excited for our new friendship.

Just to keep you up on my readings; I am reading this book about metaphors, titled: I is the Other. It is so interesting. It mentions that we use a metaphor for every 15 words we use.

Maybe I will get back on this platform later this week. Maybe I will see you next Friday. I am also starting a Business Finance course so I am going to be busy.

Stillness.

What better time to practice stillness than after a break up? My (ex) boyfriend and I just broke up after a 4.5 hour conversation. Literately just broke up. It was a 6 month relationship but we are both at an age where we feel that we should know by now. I guess you know what the answer was.

He mentioned that he didn’t feel loved enough. Did I not love him enough? There is certainly a void we both feel. But also this deep love for each other. A contradiction we both feel. Last night I completed Andre Agassi’s memoir. He mentions contradictions. That he is a living contradiction. He hates tennis yet he realized later that he loves it. He dropped out of school in 9th grade, yet he invests in Charter schools. He mentions “life is a tennis match between polar opposites. Winning and losing, love and hate, open and closed.”

Honestly, I tried my best. But that is the constant theme of my life. I can earnestly say I do try hard. Yet, I seldom win.

My schedule last year was way too busy. I said to myself that I will be still this year. There were too many tasks, not enough sleep, too many text messages, emails, Slack messgs, twitters, maybe not Instagram. Instagram is a growing pain. Every time I log on I feel that I am wasting my time. The feed is a constant reminder about how much attention people need.

We cannot stand still. I want stillness. I want to breath. I worry that I will be bored but I want to take the time and see if this boredom comes. I thought about calling him right back right after we broke up but what better time to attempt stillness than now.

Yesterday, I was listening to a podcasts about design thinking and they said to Fail often and Fail early. This way you can figure out your multiple passions, your multiple selves. We are not just one person nor one career.

I guess I am doing the right thing.

Off to write Stanford’s essay! Due in 2 days!

Aaliyah – Try again – YouTube

Final hours.

In less than 12 hours I will be submitting my MBA applications. There is still a lot I have to do to make sure that these applications are PERFECT. When I am this close to the end, I almost feel like relaxing but I must keep the pressure on. This is the moment I’ve prepared all my life for…

Good luck to everyone out there with me.

Second chances.

Why do we all feel that we must share our thoughts? I can easily write this in my journal but yet here I am opening myself to the world. It is 11:43 pm and I am writing my Wharton MBA essay, which is due in 2 days so no time to edit this entry. Fair warning. I am also not the best writer. In fact, I never enjoyed it. It wasn’t until last year when I had to write over 20 MBA school essay drafts that I began to actually write.

This is my second go on applications. It’s been a hard experience. When people tell you it’s hard, don’t underestimate them, it’s hard. Rigorous, incredibly taxing. Sure it may be a breeze for some. But not for me. However, I am a hard worker. I love work, in fact my life is almost entirely all work but that’s me. My father worked all day everyday, so why can’t I? I may not be the most articulate and well written but I am willing to go above and beyond to make sh** happen.

So, yes, this is my second time applying. Wait listed at 2 top MBA programs last year but that’s where my application ended. Waitlist. Dreadful. Hours of networking, coffee chats, interview preps, travel, money spent on hotels, flights, GMAT tutoring and consulting and yet NO entry.

The good thing is that I have started to write more, read more and I am ever so so so grateful that I have the opportunity to do this. This meaning to apply to business school. A lot had to go right, hell I am alive! I am healthy, for the exception of a 3 month long cold-like virus and which just ended a month ago (to add insult to injury). I also purchased property–giving myself a cute comfy place to live. And guess what? I did it all by myself. I have been living and supporting myself 100% since I left to Uni at 17. Without even a car or a drivers license. I wasn’t that studious girl in High School. I was smart and super ambitious as a child but a lot of personal events in junior high happened and it turned my happy life into a very sad one. My parents never finished more than the third grade, my father spoke broken English (he passed when I was young) and my mother speaks and understand very very little of it. Of course I wish things were different. But I have zero control of the family and circumstances I was born into.

So here I am. I will let you know how my applications go. Happy New Year! I hope that you have so much love for yourself today and the rest of the year. I know how it is to self loath and doubt yourself. Can I do this? Yes you can. Yes I can. I have support, I have access to so much information. I have myself. I got you (me to me).